INNER RAMBLINGS OF A SLEEPLESS MIND
It’s 5 AM, and I’m wide awake. I spent the last two and a half hours laying awake in bed, trying to slow my thoughts and get some rest. I don’t do this often, but when I wake in the middle of the night and my mind starts racing, I know there’s no going back to sleep. Lisa has told me in the past that when she has nights like this, she journals. She says she puts all her thoughts that are whirling around her head on paper, and that helps her mind rest. So, I guess I’ll give that a shot on some digital paper.
I can’t help but wonder what I’ve done to deserve my life. I’ve wondered this for a long time. Am I really that good of a man, that I deserve these good things in my life? The first occasion that I actually remember thinking this was when I met Lisa. Who was I to have met such a wonderful woman? Doesn’t God know how flawed I am? Why are my kids so great? Why should I be allowed to live a life I love? Shouldn’t I have some sort of penance to pay before I was allowed this joy? My inner recovering Catholic is always hard at work.
I wouldn’t say I’ve had a charmed life up to this point, but I’ve certainly had a blessed one. I know this by all the things that I miss from my past. I miss being a kid, playing with my friends, and riding my bike. I miss high school, the chill of the mornings while walking to class, football practice and games, the Pacific coast, and my friends. I miss my early adulthood, and all of the new wonders about life I learned. I miss having babies, toddlers, and little girls. I miss the police academy, my career, my squad, and my friends I made at work. I miss all of the amazing families we met while serving with CFHM and AFHE. I miss my past, and because of that, I know It’s been good.
What have I done to deserve to be where I am now, retired at 44, with my wife and daughters by my side every day, crossing the country in search of a boat to start our next adventure? Nothing. I don’t understand it, except to know that I am loved by God more than I can fathom. What have I done to deserve His love? Nothing. He loves me because I am His child. And he loves you too, more than you can fathom, whether you love Him or not. We can’t earn it. It just is.
Armed with this knowledge, I still let my worries get the best of me. My concerns in life have tremendously out weighed my reality. I sometimes expect everything to come crashing down. I thought, at times, that I would not make it through my police career alive, because I had experienced so much joy through my life. Or, that I would make an honest mistake at work, and my career, and retirement would be taken away. Like there was a limit on the amount of happiness I was allowed. I know that this is a ridiculous thought, but, like I said, I’m flawed. Enormously flawed.
I think that God has watched out for me and family, because we believe that He is. Psalm 34:15 says “The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and His ears are open to their cry.” We have cried to Him often. We seldom get what we are crying for in the moment, but in every instance that I have prayed for something, I can look back and know that the outcome, whether it was desired or not, was the best for me and my family. I have tried earnestly to get past trying to force things to go a certain way in my life. I trust that God knows what’s best for me, and that he’s leading me on the right course.
I have not always been cognizant of this trust in Him, but I think it’s always been there. My close friends will tell you that I’m cautious. I always have been. I spend more time in my head, considering potential outcomes, than I’d like to admit. Cliff, my Best Man, said in his speech at our wedding reception, that I was his conscience through high school, and I probably kept him out of some trouble. My former work partner, Jeremy, said the same thing at my retirement. “Dude, I don’t think that’s a good idea” is a phrase that has come out of my mouth often. I have a knack for seeing how incredibly wrong something can potentially go. Too bad I can’t market it, I’d be rich!
My mom used to tell me, when I was little, that I was an “old soul”. She meant that I was mellow, thoughtful, and perhaps a little wise for my age. Even as a child, I was aware of my conscience, doing it’s best to guide me. I’ve done plenty of stupid things in my life, but I’ve never done anything stupid, and then been surprised by the unfavorable outcome. Like the scar on my right palm from palm-striking a car mirror like an idiot, trying to be funny. Junior high antics at it’s finest. The list is long, and you’d think I’d learn. But, because of the long list of slightly stupid actions, I thing I’ve been able to avoid most of the highly stupid actions I’ve considered.
Does God really speak to us? I believe He does. And, I believe He speaks to each of us in different ways. Psalm 32:8 says “I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.” He is telling us here, without any doubt, that He will guide us and watch out for us. The hard part is being still, and listening.
In my case, I believe He speaks through my conscience mainly, but also through my wife, my kids, my family, and my friends. I try to listen, and really consider the things that are said to me, even if it’s contradictory to what I think is the best idea. The more I listen, the more I am guided. I don’t always think I like the direction I am being guided, but my obedience has gotten me to where I am now, and it’s a pretty awesome place to be.
I wonder if we are doing the right thing with our plans to go sail. Then, I think about obedience, and God setting our course. If this were not the right thing to do, one of many doors would have been shut. I wouldn’t have joined Phoenix PD at just the right time to retire at this age, with my girls at the perfect ages for this adventure. We wouldn’t have been homeschooling since the beginning. Lisa wouldn’t have online employment. Our finances wouldn’t be in order (I could write a book on how to screw up your finances, all from experience). The houseboat wouldn’t have sold. The cars wouldn’t have sold. The Andrews wouldn’t have loaned us the van. Everything keeps falling into place. We are not forcing this. We are following it.
So, here I am, sitting in a loft over a garage that is not mine, with all of my belongings in a van that is not mine, in a city and state I’ve never been in, flying by the seat of my pants. Today we are going to look at a catamaran that we will consider moving on to, and to set sail in. Something we’ve never done. I should be a stressed out ball of nerves by conventional thinking. Yet, I am thankful for my life that has brought me to this point, open to letting God guide me, and eagerly awaiting this next life chapter, filled with joy over it’s potential. Now, it’s time to get a little rest.
